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Ambrose Bierce The Devil's Dictionary

Cabbage: A vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. Admiration, n: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

Joseph Heller Catch-22

To Yossarian, the idea of pennants as prizes was absurd. No money went with them, no class privileges. Like Olympic medals and tennis trophies, all they signified was that the owner had done something of no benefit to anyone more capably than everyone else. Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. With Major Major it had been all three. Even among men lacking all distinction he inevitably stood out as a man lacking more distinction than the rest, and people who met him were always impressed with how unimpressive he was. Morale was deteriorating and it was all Yossarian's fault. The country was in peril; he was jeopardizing his traditional rights of freedom and independence by daring to exercise them.

Mark Twain 19th Century Author

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of congress; but I repeat myself. It is better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him. In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards. There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress. Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more. Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it. Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Dan Quayle Vice President, 1989-1993

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change. I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history. We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world. I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future. We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward. May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world. The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century. One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'. Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is. Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe. Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts. Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child. If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure. We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people. The future will be better tomorrow. It's time for the human race to enter the solar system. For NASA, space is still a high priority. It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made. The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make. Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children. Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still has a job next year. Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it. When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame. A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls. I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix. I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican. Public speaking is very easy. We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.

Douglas Adams Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Trin Tragula... was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher or, as his wife would have it, an idiot. In the beginning the Universe was created... This made a lot of people angry and was widely regarded as a bad move. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. You live and learn. At any rate, you live.

Thomas Jefferson President, 1801-1805

Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies. The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper. The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.

Heinrich Heine

There are more fools in the world than there are people. God will forgive me. It's his profession.

Sean O'Casey The Plough and The Stars

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. There's no reason to bring religion into it. I think we ought to have as great a regard for religion as we can, so as to keep it out of as many things as possible.

Larry Hardiman

The word "politics" is derived from the word "poly", meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.

Voltaire Philosopher

Anything too stupid to be said is sung. I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: "O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous." And God granted it. The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease. To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.

Timothy Leary

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. There are three side effects of acid. Enchanced long term memory, decreased short term memory, and I forget the third.

Lillian Hellman

Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth.

Hunter S. Thompson

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me. A cap of good acid costs five dollars and for that you can hear the Universal Symphony with God singing solo and the Holy Ghost on drums.

Kurt Vonnegut

America is the wealthiest nation on Earth, but it's people are mainly poor, and poor Americans are urged to hate themselves.... It is in fact a crime for an american to be poor, even though America is a nation of poor. Every other nation has folk traditions of men who were poor but extremely wise and virtuous, and therefore more estimable than anyone with power and gold. No such tales are told by American poor. They mock themselves and glorify their betters. If you really want to hurt your parents, and you don't have nerve enough to be a homosexual, the least you can do is go into the arts. No matter what a young person thinks he or she is really hot stuff at doing, he or she is sooner or later going to run into somebody in the same field who will cut him or her a new asshole, so to speak. Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae.

George Bernard Shaw

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. He who can, does. He who cannot, teaches. Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it.

Bertrand Russell

If I were granted omnipotence, and millions of years to experiment in, I should not think Man much to boast of as the final result of all my efforts. Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so. Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons. It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this. Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth-- more than ruin, more even than death.

Sam Levenson

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite. Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Winston Churchill Prime Minister of Britain

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened. You can trust the Americans to do the right thing, after they have tried every other alternative. The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter.

Robert Byrne

Doing a thing well is often a waste of time. Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life. In order to preserve your self-respect, it is sometimes necessary to lie and cheat.

A. Whitney Brown

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong. They should have killed him because he was a lawyer.

Mel Brooks Spaceballs

Evil will always prevail, because good is dumb.

Oscar Wilde

All the good things in life are immoral, illegal or heavily taxed. Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. The basis for optimism is sheer terror. Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything. Except what is worth knowing. Journalism, conscious of this, and having tradesman-like habits, supplies their demands.

David Dunham

Efficiency is intelligent laziness.

Henry Brooks Adams

Nothing in education is so astonishing as the amount of ignorance it accumulates in the form of inert facts. Politics... have always been the systematic organization of hatreds.

Isaac Asimov Science Fiction Author

Saying something intelligent, as opposed to saying something, is very difficult even for me. I can imagine how it must be for most people. Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.

Allan K. Race New York Senator

So in conclusion, gentlemen, fuck you. - in a written response to a racist group's letter.

Albert Einstein Physicist

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

Bill Watterson Calvin and Hobbes

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. I resolved no to be offended easily by human nature, but I think I blew it.

Frank Leahy

Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity.

Elliot Smorodinsky

I see your point... and raise you a line.

Irving Caesar

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.

Quentin Crisp

Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

Lars White Swedish Programmer

If at first you DO succeed, try to hide your astonishment.

David Friedman

The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.

G. Gordon Liddy

Obviously crime pays, or there'd be no crime.

P. J. O'Rourke

A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat. Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs. With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn't think possible in today's world. They have created a land of make-believe that's worse than regular life. The purpose of a funeral service is to comfort the living. It is important at a funeral to display excessive grief. This will show others how kind-hearted and loving you are and their improved opinion of you will be very comforting. Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

Doug Larson

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it. The reason people blame things on previous generations is that there's only one other choice.

Irv Kupcinet

What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive?

Elbert Hubbard

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. The secret of success is this: there is no secret of success.

Steven Wright Comedian

There is a fine line between fishing, and standing on the shore like an idiot. My father built a quicksand box in our back yard. I was an only child, eventually. If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Dave Barry Comedian

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. The neutron bomb is a nuclear device that kills people without destroying buildings. Many people feel this is inhumane; they much prefer the old- fashioned humane-type nuclear devices that kill people *and* destroy buildings. Western Europe's reaction to the neutron bomb has been mixed: most buildings are for it, and most people are against it, on the grounds that it might kill them. They're always wallowing in sentiment, those Western Europeans. Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

Noah S. Sweat

If you mean whiskey, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pits of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being. However, if by whiskey you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into our treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it. This is my position, and as always, I refuse to be compromised on matters of principle.

Anonymous And Unknown

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. The problem with pessimists is that they're right too much. Thinking about the past is a great excuse to waste the present and forget about the future. I have all the answers, its just that most of them aren't right. Intelligence is like a river: the deeper it is the less noise it makes. Some people have a large circle of friends, while others have only friends that they like. If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? If you believe everything you read, better not read. Man - despite his artistic pretensions, his sophistication, and his many accomplishments - owes his existence to a six inch layer of topsoil and the fact that it rains.